The limerick up to date book, composed and collected;

I

THE LIMERICK

UP TO
DATE BOOK

ETHEL WATTS MUMFORD
ADDISON M1ZNER

THE

LIMERICK

UP TO
DATE BOOK 1

Composed and Collected by

Ethel Watts Mumford

Illustrated and Decorated by

Ethel Watts Mumford and

Addison Mizner

San Francisco
Published by Paul Elder and Company

1903

Ccpyrigb 1903
by PAUL ELDKK

The Tomoye* Press

San Francisco

Good Resolutions.

John woke on Jan. first and felt queer ;

Said, " Crackers I'll swear off this year !
For the lobster and wine
And the rabbit were fine,

And it certainly wasn't the beer."

\

Enero 5

Jan.

Beware of Rash Judgments.

A dame at the beaches of Florida,
All the ladies said couldn't be horrider ;

But she proved them all wrong,

And she said, "Go along!"
While the climate grew torrid and torrider.

January
Janvier 8

3anuar 10

Enero 12

^iV.?.** 13

Gennaio 14 ^^

&

Flattery.

Said the lady, " With you I'll not go,
You're reported to be far from slow."

Said he, turning red,

With a smile quite o'erspread —
"O Madame, don't flatter me so!"

Janvier 16

3cmuar 18

Gennaio 22

MEMORANDA Uk

Jan.

Lavishness.

There was a young lady named Julie,
Who was terribly fond of patchouli;
She used bottles seven,
'Til she smelt up to heaven,
Which made all the angels unruly.

January
Janvier ......... 24

25

3cmuar ......... 26

&j[\ ($$\ ....... 27

Enero 28

^>^..?.~* ..... 29

Gennaio ........ 30

31

The Wicked Punier.

Said a sporty young person named Groat,
Who owned an old race-horse of note,

" I consider it smart

To lunch a la cart,
But the horse always takes table d'oat."

February

Fevrier 1

in i >9z. 2

5ebtuor 3

a 4

\

Febrero 5

7 >f- r- 6

Febbraio 7

I

Feb.

The Church-Goer.

There was a young man who said, "There,
I will sneak out during this prayer!*'

But the squeak of his shoes

So enlivened the pews,
That he sat down again in despair.

February
Fevrier 8

*J1 9

Sebruar 10

(S) (§) 11

Febrero 12

•7*-*: 13

Febbraio 14

Speak Kindly.

She's so homely you'd think she would smother,
And her back view is just like her brother.

Her eyes are both bent,

And her nose is a dent;
But then, " she's so good to her mother! "

February
Fevrier 15

16
Sebruar 17

18
Febrero 19

20
Febbraio . .21

Feb.

Good Manners.

There was a young person of Tottenhem,
Whose manners, Good Lord ! she'd forgotten
'em.

When she went to the vicar's,

She took off her knickers,
Because she said she was hot in 'em.

February
Fevrier ......... 22

>9— ......... 23

5ebruar ........ 24

Febrero 26

-7+* ......... 27

Febbraio ........ 28

Appearances are Deceitful.

There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I ;

She said, "It's too bad!

But then I can pad,*' —
Which shows you that figures can lie.

March

Tad.

There was a bright person named Biddle,
Who asked everybody a riddle.

When asked, "Can you tell

The answer as well ? "
He replied, " I begin in the middle."

Mars

March

8
9

• • 10
....... 11

Marzo ........ 12

........ 13

........ 14

Sculpture.

There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.

He carved Aphrodite

Without any nightie —
iWhich Startled the purely fastidious.

Marzo 19

March

Intemperance.

There once was a baker named Dunn,
Who always was out for the fun,

And although it was said

He was very well bred,
He spent all his dough on a "bun"!

March
Mars 22

^Z 23

mars 24

@/«a\ /•>£

Uc?ira Z.J

Marzo 26

27

28

The Careful Buyer.

There was an old man of Madrid,
Who went to an audion to bid;

He bought, if you please,

A case of old cheese-
But oh, Gosh! when they lifted the lid!

A Quiet Life.

An Abbess whom all did admire,
To holiness much did aspire.

When asked to a ball,

She replied, "Not at all;
I've another engagement that's Prior."

Gentleness.

There was a fair maiden of Siam,
Who said to her lover, " O Priam,
You may kiss me, of course,
But you've got to use force —
And, God knows, you are Stronger than I am!1

Abril 12

13

Aprile 14

'A7ipt/Uo$ ........ 1 5

April

Exasperation.

There was an old person named Sam,
Who was wearied of Omar Khayyam.
Fitzgerald, you know,
Is the whole of the show;
But this cult and this music, " Oh, d — ! "

Avril

^1

Hpril

(g)
Abril
*tf±
Aprile

April

16

17

18
........ 19

20

21

• 22

........ 23

The Kind Beadle.

There was an old lady of Threedle,
Who sat down in church on a needle;

Tho* deeply embedded,

'Twas luckily threaded,
And quickly pulled out by the beadle

April

Avril

April

Abril 28

29
Aprile 30

Improper Language.

There was a fair maid of Oshkosh,

Who on Tuesday cried out, " Oh, by Gosh!

For up on the roof

There was ocular proof
That some one had stolen the wash.

Make the BeSt of Adverse
Circumstances.

There was a young person named Clyde,
Who was once at a funeral espied.

When asked who was dead,

He smilingly said:
" I don't know — I jusT: came for the ride."

Devotion.

There once was a fellow moft kind,
Who, when loving, went at it quite blind.

He said, "That's all right,

But she's so out of sight
That I can't keep her out of my mind!"

May

Mai 15

ft& 16

mat 17

Mayo 19

-»r* 20

21

Always Save for a Rainy Day.

There was a young lady named Jane,
Who went out to walk in the rain;

Her skirts were so lacey

It really was racey,
And drove all the chappies insane.

May

]yjai

.22

R£.

23

7 •<! •••*•

mm

• 24

25

TVTa vn

. 26

-> ^

27

/ '

.28

%!

'-^fv'-**'^'

. «.£;#•&*

Be Careful.

There was a young man from the Cape,
Who always wore trousers of crepe.
When asked, "Do they tear?"
He replied, "Here and there —
But they keep such a wonderful shape."

Seize Opportunities.

There was an old lady of Lee,
Who invited the curate to tea.
He said, "You quite shine
In the housewifely line."
"Oh, this is so sudden!** said she.

June

Seek After Knowledge.

A man with the brain of a linnet
Asked forty- two questions a minute.

When they said, " Mind your biz!*'

He said, " Envy it is,
'Cause you know jusl how £ri<flly I'm in it"

June

R*.

9

* •+ * ^

*Xl|Mt

10

«JUIll

1 1

Tunin

. ]2

•o ir"'^ y^t

13

f iiiiornr)

14

ToDX'/ocr .

. IS

Respedt for Age.

There was an old beau of Formosa,
Who ne'er was content with a "No,sah!

The Strength of his arm

Oft excited alarm,
And his mottc was " closah and closah."

©

Jumo 20

June

Uncertainty.

A lady once had a bad habit:

She couldn't see cheese but she'd nab it.

She said, " Memory fails —

Is the rabbit from Wales?
Or do the wails come from the rabbit?1

June

• A-T
25

3um

• £*J

26

(B^

27

Tnnin

28

29

.30

Retort Courteous.

There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked all through Scotland

on stilts.
When they said, " Oh, how

shocking,

To see so much stocking!
She said, " How about you and
your kilts?"

July

Generosity.

There was a young lady of Venice,
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.

When they cried, " You are wrong ! "

She replied, "Go along —
You don't know how prolific my hen is."

July

Q

3ult

. in

11

Tnlin

12

•~}*'rt> t • fi

13

/<*>£*
I .nalin .

. 14

Art.

There was a fair dame whose manoeuvre
Was to get her portrait in the Louvre ;

But they sent it away

The very firsT: day —
And it's now in a dive in Vaneouvre.

**M_L

J

Comparisons are Odious.

A talented artisT: (Ed Lanseer),
Said, "Beau Brummel, I won't paint these
pants here;

I assure you, I can't see

That they are so fancy —
Why, lasl week I saw a dog-fancier."

Inspiration.

An old person who lived by his pen,
Cried, "Goody! I've got 'em again!

A poem I'll write,

'Bout the dawning of night,
That will easily collar a ten!"

July

Juillet

Popularity.

A musician there was — Paderewski —
Who never would drink nor would chewski;

As a Matine6 blade,

He made Hackett afraid,
And quite broke the heart of John Drewski.

Agosto 5

Truth.

There was a young lady named Maude,
Who said she was "awfully boahed,"

For all men she hated,

Both single and mated —
But in the dark corners — Good Lawd I

A Good Girl.

Eliza she never was nifty,

She was kindly and gentle and thrifty;
She gave poor people pies,
And she never made eyes —

But then — she was seven and fifty!

August

Aout

fluguft

Agosto

19

20

•?•?• tf >J 21

Agofto 22

AtiyoixTTos 23

Do Not be Persistent.

There once was a promising hound,
The fleetest that ever was found;
But his friends all declare,
That when chasing the hare,
He was running things into the ground.

Augusl

Aout

fluguft
ti

Agost(

»*

Never Swear.

A kindly old person named Tom,
Manufactured a dynamite bomb.

One day in annoy,

He cast it at a boy, —
Saying, "Gracious! I nearly said Domn!

Self-Sufficiency.

There was a young damsel named Nell,
Who considered herself quite a belle.

She sat on the sand,

And held her own hand,
And never got on to the swell.

Septembre . . . .

September 10

Setiembre 12

Settembre 14

Sept.

The Young Nimrod.

Young Henry went out for to shoot,
With a gun and a high rubber boot;

He shot an old goat,

A guide and a shoat —
But he's best when he's shooting the chute.

September
Septembre 15

J3& 16

September 17

(g) (|| 18

Setiembre- ..... 19

*?/•< 20

Settembre 21

22

There was an old man of Tarrentum,
Who sat on his false teeth and bent 'urn
When asked what he'd losl,
And what they had cosl,
He replied, " I don't know, I jusl rent 'um.

September
Septembre

Setiembre 27

28
Settembre

Od.

Society.

There was a fair charmer named Jones,
And the lions from various zones

At her house came and roared

In a beautiful chord,
As she fed them elaborate bones.

Odtober

#*

2

(DftoBer

3

(f)®

4

Octtihre

5

^^j^j- .

A

Ottokrfi

7

At a Cursory Glance.

A curate once smote at a tee,
And threw his new club up a tree,

Saying, " Fie ! ! My ! ! Oh, dear ! ! !

I musl give up, I fear,
Either golf or the miniftree!"

Octobre ........ 8

®!tobcr ........ 10

Ottobre ........ 14

High Ideals.

There was a young man who said, " Oh,
Why, lucre's so filthy and low !

But his friends said, "Oh, shoo!

That's too good to be true —
You can bet that he's after the dough!"

Odober
Octobre 16

17

®!tober 18

(f)@ 19

Octubre 20

-?f^.£ 21

Ottobre 22

23

1

Compensation.

There was a fair girl named Elaine,
Who, one March day, went out

dressed en train;
The wind tried to be rude,
But her costume was glued —
*Tis better sometimes to be vain.

October

Octobre 24

25

©ftober 26

27

Octubre • 28

29
Ottobre 30

31

Nov.

The Lovers.

A lover in China, named Kin,
Sang soft serenades with great din;

With his eye to a crack

In the wall at the back —
And they said, "Tis the lute of Peek-in!

November

2

TToneTttBM* .

3

dh$&

4

\^/ \jt/
Noviembre

5

9»fJ|r-*J.^r

6

7

Don't Be a Rounder.

There was a fair maid named O'Neil,
Who went up in the great Ferris Wheel;
On the thirty-fourth round
She looked down at the ground —
And it cos! her an 80-cent meal.

Novembre 8

Novembre 14

Nov.

Hospitality.

A tenderfoot out in the Weft
Said, "Afternoon tea's such a re£!
So they knocked off his hat
As they punched his nose flat,
And shot all the checks off his ve£.

November
Novembre 15

Jj-t i6

tlot>ember 17

(f)® 18

Noviembre 19

w*~>*& 20

Novembre 21

22

Perseverance.

There was an old person named Tate
Who out fishing went early and late.

When the fish gave a tug,

Then he pulled on the jug,
And the thing that he caught was a skate.

Dec.

Mode£y.

There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.

When they put on her veil

She set up a wail,
And when the priest blessed her, she cried.

Decembre ....... 1

Diciembre 5

Dicembre ........ 7

Know Your True Worth.

Said a Roofer, "I'd have you all know
I am nearly the whole of the show;

Why, the Sun every morn

Gets up with the dawn
For the purpose of hearing me crow!'*

Decembre 8

D

A Good Reason.

There was a young man of Fort Blainey,
Who proposed to a typist named Janey;

When his friends cried, "Oh, dear!

She's so old and so queer!"
He replied, " But the day was so rainy ! "

December
Decembre 15

M2. + 16

• • -17

18
Diciembre 19

-7 ^»c ^ A- 20

Dicembre 21

Recklessness.

Sir Guy was an amorous knight,
Who co£umed himself in a tight

It was taking a chance

To go without pants,
In case the mosquitoes should bite.

Decembre ....... 22

Diciembre ...... 26

Dicembre ........ 28

MEMORANDA

Dec.

Thrift.

There was a good dame of Cape Horn,
Whose clothing was tattered and torn.
She remarked, debonnaire,
As she pinned up her hair:
" Three bargains I purchased this morn/*

December
Decembre 29

M ~ + 30

• 31

39 LE.C

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